We were fortunate to have Rosa Carrillo present 5 Crucial Elements of Relationship Centered Leadership on June 19, 2019. Many of the participants had questions that we were unable to ask Rosa. She was kind enough to answer them and they are posted below. Here is a link to the recording: 5 Crucial Elements of Relationship Centered Leadership Click here to: Download the PowerPoint Slides Complete the Professional Development Reflections Form Apply for CEUs (Optional, in addition to your free Certificate!)
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1: I am definitely struggling being a new administrator that has just come from working directly with the staff I'm now managing. It's hard because they still see me as "one of them" and even though a set boundaries, I still get backlash from them [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent="yes" overflow="visible"][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type="1_1" background_position="left top" background_color="" border_size="" border_color="" border_style="solid" spacing="yes" background_image="" background_repeat="no-repeat" padding="" margin_top="0px" margin_bottom="0px" class="" id="" animation_type="" animation_speed="0.3" animation_direction="left" hide_on_mobile="no" center_content="no" min_height="none"][Erika Murray] [[email protected]] [: 3:20 PM]
First be kind to yourself. You did not cause this so do not take this personally. Then I would ask myself if I am willing to be patient, because transforming a workplace takes time. If I cannot do these things then I should consider not keeping this job because the stress could ultimately affect my health.
I don’t know what you mean by “set boundaries.” You do not need to accept abuse. If you remain calm and firm in letting the individual know this is not acceptable behavior. Then offer them an alternative for a 1-1 conversation to hear their perspective. (Provided they remain civil.)
Now comes the hard part. Find out what value this employee brings to the work. “Tell me about your work.” “What are some of the things you’ve been able to accomplish or would like to accomplish?” “How can I support you?” Find something you can act on, make a commitment, do it and then check back with him or her.
Do this with all of your people, not just the belligerent ones. Otherwise, it will seem unfair to the others.
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2: what can you do as a staff member to discourage a negative work environment?[Amanda Kallies] [[email protected]] [: 3:18 PM] [A: 3:19 PM]
Great question Amanda. In my work I am often a team member without title and I have struggled with this issue. Learning how the threat response is triggered has helped me control my reaction to “negative” actions. Remember things that appear negative to us aren’t seen the same way by the other person.
So what I have learned to do to change my interaction with people is ask a question. Are you upset? Is there something I can help you with? They might ask you, why are you asking and that gives you the chance to say what behavior you have observed. You seem stressed. I was really counting on your report being on time…
If you don’t like addressing things like this, you might remember that most people are starving for recognition, respect and belonging. That is probably why they are “negative.” So you can make a point of noticing something they’ve done well or to help you and thank them. “Thank you” is always the #1 phrase people most want to hear from their boss, but how often do you hear it from a peer?
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Audience Question:
3: How to you respond when someone wants to talk negatively about others without making that person feel bad [Lisa Beck] [[email protected]]: 3:17 PM] [A: 3:18 PM]
I usually tell them that we have no idea why people do what they do unless we ask them. Remember the story I told about the employee who was being ridiculed by co-workers because she was injured and could lift anything over 5 lbs? It wasn’t till they found out how depressed she was because they couldn’t even lift her child that the others began to feel empathy and help her. We need to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. If you are called a Pollyana, just say well wouldn’t you want me to assume you are a good person and find out what’s going on?
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Audience Question:
4: I am not at management level but I feel these concepts could help our new incoming supervisor by proactively creating a better staff culture. How can I diplomatically suggest this ? [kathi lund] [[email protected]]
A: I would offer to show the slides to him or her and ask if they think it would be a good idea to share these ideas with staff. Remember that people listen more openly when you first build a relationship, and establish that you support them. Hopefully they will approach you first to get your perspective on the transition. That would be an ideal time.
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Audience Question:
5: Do you think its more of a gender thing because women are more territorial or bossy[Vaniscia EASTER] [[email protected]] [
A: I don’t know what is meant by “gender thing”.
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Audience Question:
6: When doing one on ones staff are "great" but when they leave the office they complain to coworkers about issues they have. How do we get them to open up in the meetings?[Kimberly Tsoukalas] [[email protected]]
A: That behavior means that they have experienced some sort of retaliation in the past for speaking candidly. It may not be directly related to you, but you still have to engage in the trust recovery process. That means asking people to speak their mind not just in formal meeting but casually. As soon as you respond to a concern and get back to them you begin to build credibility and trust.
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7: How long does it take for that shift to happen? If the management changes their leadership ways, the educators won't change right away, but what is a reasonable amount of time?[Alison Kerlin] [[email protected]]
A: How long did it take for the situation to emerge? Steven Covey says it takes 10 positive actions to undo one negative action when it comes to trust building. It will change if you persist. It’s like when people say oh I’m too old to go back to school. Well won’t you be the same age in 4 years whether or not you go to school?
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8: What advice would you offer for someone who works with a leader who lacks emotional intelligence and is inconsistent with her interactions with her team? [Kimyatta Harris] [[email protected]]
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9: How about a leader who always cuts down staff in front of children/parents/employees? I feel like everyone feels threatened by this leader. This person is a bully and only does his/her job when other supervisors are in the room. How do I address this person?[Schonnie Markham] [[email protected]]
Is this person truly a leader? Do they have followers? Hitler is a good example of an abusive leader so they do exist. Start building your relationships with like-minded people around you including other supervisors who do set a good example. If you are not an equal or above this supervisor it is risky to say anything because your life could become unpleasant. Or you might lose your job. Their boss should be addressing the behavior, not you. Is there an avenue for you to give feedback on their performance?
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10: what exactly would I do before a one on one with my staff? evaluation form?
I want them to share with me also on how I am doing. what are some questions that I can have them think about and answer at our meeting [Chelyn Butts] [[email protected]] [Q: 3:13 PM]
Don’t call it an evaluation. Better to call it a developmental conversation. Having them prepare is a good idea. You should customize it to your needs:
They prepare
Current activities
What’s coming up
Successes
Where is support needed?
¬
Then
How are you feeling about your work?
Give feedback that will help them improve skills, relationships, etc.
Do you have any feedback for me?
Actions and follow up
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11: What is Rosa's opinion of how employee surveys might - or might not - play a role in informing leadership practices?[Brenda Swartz] [[email protected]]
A: If you do the 1-1 you find out what you need to know. Surveys often become a place to be negative without any accountability. Leaders coach employees on how to handle difficult conversations.
Audience Question:
11: A million dollar question. When do you finally decide that enough is enough and the teacher is never going to change no matter how much effort you put into educating her that she does need to change?[Mary Alford] [[email protected]]
That is a tough one. If I were her supervisor the first question I would ask is, how many people like this work for me? If it’s more than one I have to ask, what is my contribution to the problem. As an inexperienced supervisor I often encountered difficult employees until I learned two things. 1. People meet my expectations. If I walk in expecting resistance that is what I will get. I had to do with my body language, my tone and lack of self confidence. 2. Respect people and their experience and if they have been there longer than you, show more respect.
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Audience Question:
12: Is fair always equal? I tend to think no, and that is how my classroom runs, but how can I help my educators understand this concept?[Alison Kerlin] [[email protected]]
A: I don’t believe fair is always equal. Children expect a much more concrete form of fairness than adults. Adults should have the empathy to understand that some people require more help than others. We all go through tough times when we can’t carry our full load.
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Audience Question:
13: Any suggestions on how to readjust a work relationship after moving from being a coworker to their leader?[Jeanette Keath] [[email protected]]
A: Once again, a title does not a leader make. That you will have to earn action by action with the behaviors we talked about in the webinar. As a manager, I would have a 1-1 with each person and let them know how I think we will be working differently and ask for their perspective so that you are co-creating a new relationship. Again this will develop with each interaction you have with them. If you don’t change your behavior, they will not change theirs. So take some time to think through your intention for the new relationship.
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Audience Question:
14: Staff tends to click or not, then form groups, that exclude others. How to break that kind of dis-functioning and disturbing the peace kind of groups.[Cintia Freeman] [[email protected]]
A: Yes that is human nature. Unless the leader consistently explains why we have to be inclusive and include the staff in deciding how to accomplish this people will go to the status quo. Have different people team up on projects where they can get rewarded or held to account depending on success. You can have some fun with this.
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Audience Question:
15: How often do you need to do a critical feedback to your employees in a
company?[Daniela Trujillo] [[email protected]]
A: Don’t do critical feedback. See my answer to #10
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Audience Question:
16: As someone new to a director position, those of you stating the weekly/bi-weekly check ins what information are you hoping to gain during those meetings? We currently do not do anything like these check ins with a one on one setting, we do monthly staff meetings but those pertain to things happening in the center. [Eva Melissa McAloon] [[email protected]]
A: See answer to # 10
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Audience Question:
17: I'm an assistant director, the previous assistant director left and return and I had her title, she wasnt and isnt happy still to this day. She feels I'm too young, how should I handle her behavior. I've tried everything [Melissa Molina] [[email protected]]
A: Since we are studying how to apply the 5 elements, what do you think is lacking in her experience back at work? This is called managing upwards because even though you have the title, she has seniority and you have to respect that. Does this mean she tells you what to do? No. It does mean finding out what are the matters that are really important to her and where she wants to be included. Of course we have to do this with all of our direct reports, but it would be very helpful for you to practice humble inquiry and humility with her. As you show successful results she will grow to accept you or leave.
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18: I've struggled with scheduling weekly check-ins with each staff member! Does anyone have suggestions on how to focus precious time outside the classroom in this way while avoiding potential for gossip?[Jennifer Wardlaw] [[email protected]]
A: I don’t have an answer for this. I think we should ask those who are doing it. I saw some comments on that topic.
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19: how to let other staffs to realized that they have been excluded other new staffs?[Hsiao-Yuan Su] [[email protected]]
A: Again exclusion is human nature. The best way to break it down is to take time regularly for people to share their stories. As people get to know each other the walls break down. I published an article on this in Linked-In https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/group-activities-increase-psychological-safety-improve-carrillo/
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Audience Question:
20: What can you do or say if you think that you have caused a sense of being psychological unsafe by something you said? Would an apology be in order to open the dialogue to clear up a misunderstanding about the issue?[Carol Osborn] [[email protected]]
A: Good question. We will ask. I think apologies are in order, but they have to be backed up with actions going forward. Rebuilding the relationship will take repeated demonstration of respect.
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21: What's a good assessment tool to document & analyze improved leadership skills/growth based on relationship centered leadership? [Kristen Klaassen] [[email protected]]
A: I am in the process of developing it. I am not satisfied with what is on the market.
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22: How do you manage multiple personality/temperament types in the workplace setting. What might be ok for one staff member may not be received well by another staff member. This has been an ongoing.[Jowett Chew-Marumoto] [[email protected]]
A: It is so true that there is a great deal of diversity when it comes to personal preferences. The point of my webinar was that humans have a lot in common such as the need to belong and be respected. However, what makes people feel that way may differ. The only way to find out is to have those 1-1 conversations. It’s very hard to give people what they want if you don’t know what it is.
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23: There seems to be a lot of backstabbing and gossiping in the work environment. How do you deal with that? [Margaret Rose] [[email protected]]
A: How do you feel about meeting with each person to talk about your expectations for behavior. Find out what is going on with them and ask how you can support them. This kind of behavior is typically the result of a lack of unity of mission and purpose. This will take more than one 1-1 conversation with each person.
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24: What about people that often beat up on themselves even with encouragment and knowledge of past bad experience is beating them down? How do you a leader help guide them past the past experiences to a positive future?
[Bonnie Faucette] [[email protected]]
A: I would refer such a person to employee assistance program or counseling. Hopefully your organization provides healthcare benefits.
25: Yes!!! I am new director and I am having a hard time with veteran staff that are not even actually upset with me, but the former director. How can I fix what I didn't do?[Melissa Sauls] [[email protected]]
A: As a leader you have to accept the responsibility to recreate psychological safety even though you did not damage it. See my suggestions on Q 1.
26: should you address both staff members at the same time that there is tension between after address individually?[Elizabeth Iannolino] [[email protected]]
A: I would do it separately first to help them save face. You might be able to coach each of them on how to approach a compromise. Spell out your expectations for respectful behavior and role model it. It could be helpful to ask how can I support you.
27: is possible to learn to avoid any punishment.[Epifania Rayo] [[email protected]]
A: Don’t know what you mean by punishment. Discipline is always the last resort. It doesn’t change anyone. So it is used mostly to get rid of employees. Yet, Employees expect clear guidelines and they want managers to hold people accountable if they don’t meet the same standards. You can’t be inconsistent.
28: I would like to learn how to do with kids 3years old have a lot stress? [Maria Tomaine] [[email protected]]
A: Watch the Opra Winfrey video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImeSVdKojPM
29: How do we develop psychological safety in a team that may have had bad experiences previously and have difficulty trusting leadership[Nikki Taylor] [[email protected]]
A: Please see reply to Q 1.
30: I have one team member who always says he/she does not feel like they are a part of the team. I invite/share ideas/take ideas/let them both have shared time of lead team teaching. I am not sure how else to make this person feel valued.
[Schonnie Markham] [[email protected]]
A: You mention that you are including this person and doing the right things. However, it doesn’t seem to help because they feel excluded by peers. Again we need to facilitate relationship building among peers. Team building and activities like I describe in my article at https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/group-activities-increase-psychological-safety-improve-carrillo/
31: I want to learn how to best support the educators working directly with children while being in a management role. I recently have moved from directly working with the children to being in administration.
[Erika Murray] [[email protected]]
A: The best support is to provide an environment that observes
32: How do we develop psychological safety in a team that may have had bad experiences previously and have difficulty trusting leadership. [Nikki Taylor] [[email protected]]
A: Please see answer to Q 1.
33: I want to learn additional approaches to connect with resistant adult learners [Ty Johnson] [[email protected]
A: There are no resistant people, just people whose needs aren’t being met. Maybe they are in the wrong job?
34: If someone doesn't feel safe, how can they learn?[Ayesha Morin] [[email protected]]
A: As explained in the webinar, psychological safety is essential for learning.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
